Friday, July 18, 2008

what i dont need

I don't mean to continue on about Andrew being gone, because that would make me sound a bit more pathetic than I am... but I'd like to explore a thought I had at work today.

I had mentioned to a coworker something about missing Andrew and how I really wanted to hear from him. My coworker seemed to be in a man-mood (fix the problem without realizing I just wanted a conversation)... so she offered a slew of suggestions and solutions.

She said I needed to learn how to be by myself and enjoy ME time. She said I should not worry about him. She said I need to keep busy and find stuff to do.
And she totally missed the point (also kind of a man thing, no offense).

I can be by myself, just fine, actually. I do it all the time... and by choice too. Which is exactly the point. I don't want my ME time dictacted to me. Then it's not ME time, it's "oh you have nothing better to do so distract yourself with a bubble bath." NOT the same thing as purposefully saying "I am going to set aside time today/this week to just be by myself and do things I enjoy."

I understand using time wisely. I used to always get Saturday mornings to myself - no choice in the matter. And I would use those to the fullest extent in terms of things I enjoy - slept in, watched Sat morning Disney shows that Andrew would cringe at, then would catch up on soapy TV online that, again, Andrew wouldnt dare dream of watching. And it was nice enough. But it's not the same as choosing to have that time. Those days I choose to be alone are more meaningful to me than any Saturday I got to myself.

So it's not that I need to be around people - it's that I don't like being forced to be alone.
And it's not that I'm worried about Andrew - I have full trust and faith in God, him and the leader of the trip. I just like being able to hear from him.

And trust me, I've kept busy. I still went to work. I had my night classes with extensive homework. I had a sleepover with some girls. I still went to church. I went to see Batman at midnight. I basically did all the things I would do anyway. I certainly don't need to use Andrew going to Thailand as an excuse to be busy. But busy doesn't mean I don't want to hear from my husband. Busy doesn't mean I'm necessarily distracted.

It's actually the opposite when I'm busy. Because I live a busy life normally, and I normally live my busy life with Andrew, we are in an established routine that keeps everything going. So when the busy continues without half of my family to fill in the gap, my routine gets altered. It upsets the natural order.

So I don't need to appreciate ME time. I don't need to stop worrying. I don't need to find meaningful things to do. I just want my routine back. I just want a little communication. And really, I just want understanding.
Is that really too much to ask?


Darcie said...

Nope, not too much to ask. How much longer now?

Rachel said...

Interesting perspective on marriage- thanks for sharing!