Wednesday, July 16, 2008

my need

I want to be honest and vulnerable... and in order to do I must decide, however harshly, that I cannot care how people react. I cannot stop to ponder what people might think of me or any judgments thereof. Because I'm about to admit that I am weak and that is hard - really hard - for me to do.

I miss Andrew. tons.
He's only been gone... about 15 hours... and 15 hours is certainly not long. Not even close to the longest we've ever been apart... the record is about 100 hours greater than that.
But, this time will definitely break the record - and then some. All in all, between when I left Andrew at the airport this morning and when I see him at the airport again, it will be over 250 hours. When you say it in hours, it really doesn't seem like that much. But basically it's close to 2 weeks.

and I never wanted to be the wife that needed her husband. I was born independent, and prided myself on that all my life. I always said I didn't need anybody to take care of me; I am perfectly able to take care of myself.
And while that last statement very well may be true - I definitely need people, specifically Andrew.

When you live your daily life in a routine with another person for over 3 years, it's really hard to carry out that routine on your own. Yes, I can put transmission fluid in my car, and clean out the litter box. I can balance a check book and wake myself up in the morning. But the thing is - those are Andrew's jobs and I am used to him doing them.

Not to mention the daily communication that goes on. We communicate so frequently with each other that it is not uncommon for us to text or facebook chat with each other several times a day when we're apart. We send each other emails and call each other when we have questions or reminders. We try to spend lunch and dinner together most days, if possible and usually spend our evenings together.
I can tell you with confidence that I don't "need" this communication; I've certainly gotten along fine without it during the school year. But knowing that I won't have any of it for the next 10 days... yeah that's hard to handle.

And I have this notion that it is not okay to admit that. That I shouldn't miss him or need him so much. And that it is unnatural for us to communicate that much, or spend that much time together. We certainly have lots of friends and we have lives that don't really revolve around each other.
As a matter of fact, I am incredibly busy the next two weeks with work, school, social engagements, etc. My schedule is not changing because Andrew is gone. But, he's usually with me for some of it. Or I can at least text him during something to say hello. And most importantly, at the end of busy crazy days where we don't see or talk to each other, we at least get to sleep in the same bed and know that the other one is safe.

So here I am, admitting my weakness. I need Andrew. I don't just need the ring on my finger or the framed marriage contract. I don't need the tons of pictures I've taken or the gifts he's gotten me. I need him here - right here next to me. or even in the next room, or at the store picking something up. I just need to know he's around and he's safe and I'm safe and taken care of. And most importantly, I need him to come home.


Anonymous said...

holy moly, i know how you feel. eric's schedule is the EXACT opposite of mine, so i've seen him a total of maybe 5 hours this week. it's a whole lot harder than i thought it would be...

Sarah Lewie said...

I'm glad to hear that you need your husband. Sadly I know many wives who wouldn't admit that and that makes me so sad. Why marry someone you don't need around?

Him being gone probably won't get easier in the next couple days, but at least it makes you appreciate him more. =)

Thinkin' 'bout ya! =)