contrite

every now and then i let life really get to me.
even though i know better and a good night's sleep is often the best cure, i let it happen.


and i dont quite know why.


earlier tonight i felt tears coming on, and i didnt even bother stopping them (like i normally adamently try to do)... i guess b/c i wanted to feel something. i wanted to acknowledge the power of the tears. eventually, i did cry - and you know how it is with tears, they dont stop. and you cant easily recover from it; your face reflects it no matter how hard you fake the smile. i just wondered to myself why i didnt stop the tears.


thats the manifestation of my emotional state right now. i know later ill regret letting my emotions out like this, but gosh darn it, i dont want to hold it in anymore. it's a lie to myself and others. i want to tell you how i feel. even though, in the morning, or whenever my heart heals, i'll look back at this post and just roll my eyes at how near-sighted and negative it all is.

but yeah, im angry, confused, disappointed, upset, saddened, annoyed and hopeless.

i dont get it. i dont understand. why? i dont need the ultimate why... just a small glimpse to hold me over. just something to make sense of it all. i dont need the big picture (although it would be nice), just an example of what i'm supposed to look for... an indication other than my faith that things truly are better this way.


and im humbled. and not in the "wow, people think im great. and its all God" way that is actually a good thing. im humbled by realizing that ::gasp:: maybe people DON'T think i'm great. maybe people don't need me as much as i thought. that i may have made mistakes, i may have been wrong.
and that's the most confusing part.


i dont have a problem that needs to be solved. i dont even have a specific grievance to bear. i just have a broken heart, a contrite spirit and a perplexed mind.


so what im saying is pray for me.
im having a pretty crappy life right now.


i suppose i shouldnt be too surprised by it, since this happens just about every January, for multiple reasons... i just wish i had the money to get some endorphins in the form of a fake bake.
but is that really the solution for my problems?? or is it my faith that i need to work on...