done! and done for...

there are blogs in my heart and on my mind - I have so much to say
but I just can't find the energy or time to sit down and just write.

However, school is out (today was last day!), and I have a feeling things will change just a bit.
My summer will be crazy busy, but there will be some weeks where I have nothing to do but sit and write. Wouldn't that be nice?
I even put it on my to-do list to write more.

So faithful audience, just be patient and stick with me. Hopefully, I will not leave you disappointed.

I'm tired...
10 more school days and yet it's the longest 10 days...

sneak peak

soo I've had an unexpected week off due to the swine flu, and despite my high expectations, I really kind of wasted it.

well... not entirely. I'm hoping to compile a list of all the fun things I did the past two weeks and it's going to looooong (adding in the productive things I DID get done)....

but in general, I wasted way too much time. Whether it was sleeping in, goofing off online, watching tv, etc... I could have gotten WAY more done.

In any given week, my productively level is off the charts. But actually give me time to get stuff done annnddd nothing. Even if you look at my list of what I've done, you'll see some of it was complete fluff (watching 10 movies, for instance, and TONS of soaps - but good ones, like BH 90210 and the o.c.).

And I hate myself at 2am. I actually hate the person I become and the lifestyle I choose at 2am. This is something I've dealt with all my life - I'm a night person. But during a 9-5 week, I can balance the night person with the day job... when you take out the day job, I just become one of them, the night people... and the only thing that matters is the loneliness and despair of night where the only thing I can do is dwell on my thoughts and clean out my DVR. it's a pathetic existence, but the pattern begins and sucks me in before I can just say no.

I must return to work on Thursday, and honestly I'm a bit upset by the awful timing. But I will be grateful for routine again. Last summer, the only thing that kept me sane was a part-time job... this summer, I have no such luck (purposefully)...

and if this week is a sneak peak into the meek and bleak existence of this summer, I may need to tweak my routines just a bit (did you like the rhyming, lol)... because I can't let myself turn into a night person. she's a monster that keeps me from living life abundantly.

The Sitch-ee-a-tion

Sorry about the cryptic and infrequent posts as of late.

Basically, for many many reasons, I am considering not taking any more grad classes after this semester is over. I'm not trying to be vague. I'm just trying to hold back while simultaneously venting (very hard to do).

I have about 4 classes left to take before I have the degree, and that is a major reason to continue. I truly believe in my ability to get it done.

However, that isn't the question I am struggling with. The question is: "at what cost?"
because grad school is taking a lot of attention away from areas in my life that are way more important to me. Family, Church, School, Personal life, TV, etc. (only half-kidding about the last one, even less so now that I have DVR).

So even though I know I can do it, I just don't know that it's worth doing. The degree it will give me really won't open any doors for me that I particularly care to open. I just want to be in a classroom and the opportunities available to me post-degree are mostly outside of the classroom. Meanwhile, it's actually taking me away from my own classroom by forcing me to concentrate so much time on it.

The answer seems pretty obvious to me when written out like this, but it has taken me quite some time to reason it out in my brain. Meanwhile, my pride is still telling me I can do it all and to go for it. I don't know how to deal with quitting.

Furthermore, I had been planning on continuing at least for another year. And I had put certain decisions off until that time approached. If I quit, those decisions no longer need to be delayed, and that itself is putting a lot of undue stress on the situation.

Could you just tell me what to do? What decisions I need to make? Or at least ship me a crystal ball? Thanks...

hinderance

My priorities have to be in line for my life to be in balance.

Right now, I'm off-balance.

I'm currently in the process of determining those priorities. Or at least reminding myself of what they already were.

My priorities have to be what God's priorities are for me... what He has called me to do with my life.

And I must get rid of the things that rob me of that.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

My theme for the month.

quitter

Today I felt like quitting. And not just the fleeting thought of "What's the best way to get out of this situation? Oh yeah, quitting" but the nagging sense of hopelessness that has been beating down on me for weeks.

Never so badly have I wanted to throw in the towel as much I do right now. Because every time I think it gets better, it gets worse. And I rationalize my way out of the feeling, but it persists and comes back the next time.

I admit this to you partially because I want encourage meant to keep fighting, but mostly so that you'll tell me it's okay to quit. It's okay to say it's not worth it.

----

A couple years ago, our church took a step of faith and started a satellite campus about 20 miles west of our current location. They did this in anticipation of the impending housing boom that was foretold. However, after starting the project, the housing market took a downhill slide and the economic situation made a quick recovery seem bleak, at best. So the church decided to shut the doors on its satellite location until things picked back up. The pastor gave his "Address to the Congregation" after the decision was made and in it, he proclaimed, "We are not quitting. We are not giving up on this area. We were following God's plan when we stepped out in faith, and we are following it now by temporarily closing shop." and explained the simple misuse of resources to have a church where nobody lived yet, and wouldn't live for quite some time. The plan is still there, but in the meantime they are going to use the church resources elsewhere and "build the center" until the time is right to continue that pursuit.

---

Perhaps that it what is happening to me. The future in this current situation seems bleak at best and I'm wasting very very valuable resources. It's not like I'm throwing everything I worked for away. I'm just putting a peg in it until the timing is right again. Is that the same as quitting?

And, well, quite frankly, who cares if it is?

Losing my Bible

Sit back and enjoy Story Time.

On the way to Orlando last month, Andrew spots this middle-aged man at the New Orleans terminal (our layover) and instantly judges him in his mind. The flight attendant says the plane is only 2/3 full so we were hoping that meant we would have a row to ourselves, but as the end of the line enters the plane, Andrew spots this man again. This time he looks at me and whispers "I hope he doesnt sit next to us" - just his luck for saying something.

I admitted he looked a bit much - the hat, the scarf, the hair... but before we knew it he was in our row. He was desperate to talk to anybody - the flight attendant, the guy in the row behind him, whoever. He saw us both reading textbooks and asked if we were in school - we answered honestly but went back to reading. So he went back to trying to find others to talk to. A half hour or so goes by and he starts asking us more questions.

He's very intrigued by the fact he's "sitting next to a minister" and has to ask us some questions. He starts in about how the church wouldn't like him and people have condemned him to hell and how that's not right cause he's a nice guy and people are so judgmental. He asks us what we believe about this and that, if we support people like Falwell, etc. He actually talks more than he lets us explain. He asked questions then would talk before giving us a chance to answer.

But we did get to answer quite a few as we talked for like an hour or so. We shared our views about what we hold to be absolute truth but also what we think others have gotten wrong. We share point-blank that we do think he's going to hell (he asked), but not because he's gay and not cause he's Jewish, but because he hasn't accepted Jesus as the one true way (he believes there are many ways). He appreciated our honesty. He really appreciated that we thought certain things were wrong, like the religious right. That love was the true message of God and anybody preaching any different isn't preaching our God. etc.

As the plane descends, we start closing up the convo. He jokingly asked, "I guess now you're going to give me a Bible or something."
So I simply say "only if you want one."
"Really? You have one right here?"

I grab the one in my bag. Andrew bought it for me for my birthday cause he knew I needed a new one. I hadn't written anything in it except "to: Teresa from: Andrew." I thought Andrew had packed it but he didn't, so i grabbed it real quick and threw it in my carry-on. I took my bulletins out and handed it to him. He was shocked and very grateful. He immediately went on to tell us how moved that we would just give him a Bible and that nobody had done that for him. He asks us to sign it, so where it said "to: Teresa" i scratched it out and put "to: Eddie" and added my name to the "from:" Then andrew wrote his email under that and told him to contact us if he ever wants to talk again. Andrew even told him where to start (gospels).

As soon as the seatbelt sign was off, he got up, leaned across Andrew and gave me a big hug. He was so moved. He also gave andrew a hug, which makes me laugh. And I just kept thinking about that scale of -10 and +10 and I doubt that man moved from negative to positive (accepting Christ) but im pretty positive that encounter moved him a few notches towards it.

It was a very interesting start the vacation, to say the least.