Tuesday, May 6, 2008

heart

tonight, the music minister of our youth group said something that surprised me.
all this time, i thought his passion and heart was music ministry. he seems to love his position, and he's always using his gift of music in other venues. i honestly thought this was his true calling...
but he made a statement about all people being ok at some things, good at others, and great at a few. and he thought he was just ok at music, and he could abandon it in pursuit of his true calling, for something he's great at - apparently public speaking.

and i had no idea he even liked to speak publicly, except for the random speeches he gives in the middle of songs... i just thought it was because he's just one of those people who liked to hear himself speak... ha.

and he said, one day he'll submit to the calling of speaking, it's inevitable. and i just wondered what stopped him.
could it be he's not ready? could it be he's still too afraid? why isn't he pursuing that? why isn't he practicing?

so i'm sitting here thinking about my passion, what i long to do.
and it's not really what people would think it is, either.
people, even my closest friends and husband, would think it's teaching - whether that's publicly and professionally, or through youth ministry. and well that's mostly true. i would tell people my #1 calling is youth ministry, and #2 is teaching. but i just may be lying to myself.

because i'm good at those things. people accept me as good at those things. there's no longer fear for me in pursuing those things.


i want to write. with all that is within me, i want to write. i want to write so clearly and effectively that it means something to all who read it. i want to share my heart in such a way it changes others'.

there are so many stories inside me. so many thoughts. and i just can't seem to get them out.
i just can't seem to be happy with what i write.
do you know how many drafts i have on blogspot? on facebook? on xanga?

even with a private audience. and it's not the subject i'm ashamed of. but when i get passionate about something, i don't know how to write about it that makes sense. and i'm afraid of not being understood. so i just leave the draft there. never to be touched again. perhaps to be deleted later out of shame.

andrew asked me the other day to list two jobs i could have right now (we were asking each other random questions)... and there were several i could think of that i would want to have but never could (acting, radio DJ, dog walker). but i realized i could be a writer now if i wanted. not necessarily rolling in the dough, but if i truly tried, i could have some things published.

and yet, i'm sitting here on blogspot... wondering why i never have, wondering if i ever will...

3 comments:

Cheri said...

have you looked into lifeway? they almost always have openings for freelance writers to do curriculum/Bible studies for youth, children, adults, whatever age group you feel geared most toward. check out their website sometime!

Rachel said...

You should totally write! You know how sometimes when people write long emails/blogs you don't really want to read all the way through them? Honestly, yours are never like that- they keep me interested to the end!

Kate said...

I don't have a deep passion for writing like you do, but I do know what you mean about judging your writing...it's why I hardly ever journal. And there are some people's blogs I had to stop subscribing too because I became so jealous of the way they wrote, and I wasn't even good friends with them.

I like Cheri's suggestion...you could totally freelance for an online magazine too, like Relevant (even though I don't love that one) and go from there. It's not like you have to write your great masterpiece right off the bat :-)