anti-psychosis

What if my genius only comes out at night?
But by letting it out at night, I compromise my ability to work during the day.
......

I have tried to be a responsible adult and get to bed a decent hour regularly. Andrew and I have, for the most part, established a routine that guarantees a good night's sleep.

And being well rested, I can get up and go about my day successfully. I am more alert and energetic at work, which is a job I love. I enjoy life more when I sleep well.

But there is a restlessness within me because I am not writing. I have often blogged about my love for writing (cause where else is it more appropriate to share such love?). As I go throughout my day, I often wonder why I haven't sat down and produced anything. Thoughts flow in and out of my head all day, but nothing gets written down.

Then at night, I lay in bed, and the words start flowing together in wonderful prose. I read the words to myself in my head and I enjoy the stories I tell. I am persuaded by my own essays and I am touched by own soliloquies. But yet, there is no pen to paper.

Every now and then, I've created a document that so desperately needs to be written down that the words even start editing themselves to better prepare it for paper.
But by this point in the night, I should be in dream land.

If I were to actually write it down, that would require, at the very least, sitting up in bed to write it in the journal I keep nearby. And at minimum, it would engage my mind so much that sleeping any time soon would certainly be compromised. If I take to typing, I can absolutely forget about sleeping that night, as words pour out despite hurting and tired shoulders.


And it gets me thinking, is it worth it? Is it worth the exhaustion to get the words out of my head? Even if the farthest place they go is simply on the journal next to me.

Should I sacrifice my rest for my creativity? Or rather, should I sacrifice my creativity for my rest?

---

It makes me think of John Nash and his brilliance. The scene of his life that is most heart-breaking is him sitting on a rocking chair with a comatose expression, unable to access the genius inside of him. But it's for his good, right?

Not that I think I'm anywhere close to being a brilliant writer, but is sleep my anti-psychosis drug? Is it suppressing my genius? If it is, is it worth it??
If I am going to be restless even with a full night's sleep, am I doing something wrong? How can it be made right? Writing blogs certainly isn't going to pay the bills, and it isn't going to help fulfill my desire to teach students...

fall

the smell of a bonfire
the rush of cool air
the comfort of an old hooded sweatshirt
the sound of the band playing at a football game

drinking hot apple cider
shopping for halloween costumes
pulling out the scarves and sweaters
taking pictures before the homecoming dance

the color of the sky in the early evening
the start of new shows and returning favorites
the fun of celebrating birthdays
the race to the World Series

taking walks in the cool of the evening
watching the trees slowly change to red and orange
kicking off new programs at church
re-establishing the routine of school



what's your favorite part?

fat cat

I have conflicting thoughts about my cat's weight.

You see, when we rescued her, she was so undernourished that we thought she was only 6 weeks old when she was actually 3 months old. And I didn't know anything about feeding a cat so I accidentally underfed her for the first few days. In my guilt and pity, I decided to always make sure she had more than enough food. We "free fed" her by overloading her bowl with food and leaving it out for her. When we saw it was getting low, we'd load it up again and let her have at it.

Flash forward a year. I notice how much she has grown and that she is an actual CAT now. So we switch from kitty food to adult cat food. But because of all the vacations and traveling (which I know I still haven't blogged about... sorry), it was just easier to have somebody stop by every few days and load up her bowl, so we kept up the free feeding habit. But I noticed she kept growing and I could no longer easily feel her ribs...

When our traveling was done, just before school started, we took her to the vet. He weighed her and then, as polite as possible, suggested a feeding plan. I wasn't surprised, but I did feel the conviction of being a bad mommy. We have since put her on the regulated food plan, which is still more than enough to eat, but just in small portions so she can't just eat when she's bored (which proves eating habits are LEARNED and not just genetic!).

She has been on the plan for a month and in that month, the conflicted feelings have overcome me. Am I a bad mother? Should I lessen her food more? Have I allowed her to become lazy?
Those are the predominant feelings.

But then, I thought "Isn't she beautiful no matter her weight?" "Should I really be concerned as long as she is happy" and all the other thoughts on self-image and confidence that we are forced to consider in our culture.

And I realized that self-image concerns can only go so far. For instance, they really shouldn't apply to a cat. I could be wrong, but I doubt she really cares that I call her fat cat. But also, I realized that they shouldn't get in the way of the overall health. Yes, I should love her no matter what and I will always think she's beautiful. But the fact is, she would feel a lot better if she lost some weight. She can't even enjoy playing anymore. She stops after just a few minutes and just lays down.

I wonder if we realize our concerns about self-image go too far.

I believe it's essential that everybody learns to love their inner-self. I believe that we should be looking at the qualities that make a person unique - their personality, sense of humor, intelligence, problem-solving skills, etc. I believe that people that are within a healthy weight range should absolutely believe they are healthy and beautiful. I believe growing boys and girls should be encouraged to keep growing. I believe anorexic models should not be promoted as ideal but instead fed a hamburger. I believe we should never call somebody ugly or insult them.

But I also believe that when we tell somebody they are perfect just the way they are when they are overweight (or underweight), we are denying them a better life. They are not their healthiest.

I am not my healthiest. I am denying myself a better life. I can't play too long without getting tired. I sit out way too much. I just need a doctor at a check up to politely suggest a diet plan. To simply suggest "these are good foods and good portions." I need to make more of an effort to push myself to play just a few minutes longer. Because I'm really not perfect just the way I am, physically speaking. If I lost some fat, gained some muscle, worked on endurance and ate the right kinds of food, I could actually experience health in a way my self-image could never give me.

And I bet I'd feel a lot better about the way I looked in the mirror if I wasn't sweating and panting from walking up the 2 flights of stairs to get to it.

Random

I want to give you a great post about how the three weeks went, and I will...

but until my brain (and pictures) are all sorted out, I thought I'd leave you with some random snippets of thoughts. I'd love your feedback.

*Sleeping 8 hrs and being awake 16 somehow doesn't work when those 8 hrs are not 11pm-7am (+/- an hour)

*I can watch episodes from my favorite childhood sitcoms anytime and enjoy them as much as current favorite sitcoms.

*I've mostly adjusted to living 700 miles away from friends/family, but when a friend is hurting the distance breaks my heart.

*It's REALLY hard not to judge the students that I work with even though I know that's the last thing I should do.

*When I'm swimming, I think to myself "This is so great. Why don't I do this every day?" and then the next day I look at the pool and think "eh, it's just alright." and then don't go. I actually do this with A LOT of things, but swimming came to mind tonight (cause I just went).

*I am starting to get a sense that there are some big changes in store. Mostly cause I'm starting to get really comfortable with too many things in my life (apartment, career, marriage, friends, church, etc.)

*When I witness something that is done really well, I get an envious sense of motivation to want to do that just as well (writing, singing, dancing, photography, teaching, etc), even though it might be unrealistic.

*I get bothered when people use their maiden names on Facebook as middle names. There is an option to use your Maiden name in the search so old friends can find you, so it's not necessary in the username.

*I set out a to-do list for my summer and I am quite proud of the progress I am making on it.

*I feel like I'm fishing for comments when I mention my "readership" on blogs, but seriously, there's maybe like 5 people that read this, and sometimes that's really discouraging. I don't mean to fish, I just honestly want to reflect on the fact that it's just hard as a writer to always wonder if I even have an audience. And if I don't, is what I'm saying worth saying? It's the whole "does the tree still make a noise when it falls down in an empty forest" question...


Ok those are my random thoughts. It would be great for some feedback on those (ok so that's fishing, lol). Because the worst part about not having an audience is not having people in the world who think like you or add on to your thoughts... so chime in please! Add your own random thoughts.

travels

I won't be posting for at least 3 weeks.

This week is Beach Camp - our annual youth camp in Galveston, TX. I have sophomores.

Next week, I leave for vacation with my family - Las Vegas, Grand Canyon and Phoenix (and everywhere in between).

Then, we'll fly straight from Phoenix to St. Louis, where we'll spend the week with our nieces (one of whom I haven't met yet!) and then take the train to KC to see Roommates.

We'll fly home from KC on July 6th. Over a period of 21 days, I'll sleep in 11 different beds.


Be praying:

*I get really exhausted when I overextend myself and time spent with friends and family isn't exactly "quality time" when I'm that way, so pray that I make the most of it.

*Pray I don't get sunburned or any other injury that would marr the trips.

*Pray that I get along with everybody.

*Pray the traveling goes smoothly. I'll be on 3 different planes, a train, a rental van, taxis, shuttles, friends' cars, families' cars, etc.

*Pray for all the ministry that will be done directly (camp) and indirectly (vacation)

*Pray that Andrew and I will get along (see 1st bullet)

*Pray for my sister's wedding (in Vegas - no joke)

*Pray that my camera battery will not give out at extremely important moments

*Pray that my nieces will shower me with love and not ignore me (like the older one did last time!)

*Pray that kitty is okay for 3 weeks without us and that we're ok 3 weeks without her.

*Pray that I thoroughly enjoy myself and recognize God's blessing in my life this summer.

HIMYM meets Jane Austen

For the first time in my life, I read a Jane Austen book this Spring. Since then, I have read 3 and have a 4th waiting on my nightstand. There is an immense satisfaction in finishing an Austen novel, beyond the usual "I finished a book!" high I still get every time I turn the last page. The reason Austen's finales are so satisfying is simple - all the pieces come together.

Most storylines follow a simple pattern - make a mess and then clean it up. However, Austen makes a highly detailed mess that is both complex and a bit mundane upon first read. For instance, in "Persuasion", Austen spends many chapters discussing a character that seems to have no other purpose than to provide a friendship to Anne. Her backstory is detailed and seemingly unnecessary in the context of the situation.

Many times when reading an Austen book, I drudge through the beginning and middle wondering what I am reading and why it is interesting. Her social commentary is spot on, of course, but as far as a storyline goes, it seems to sort of drag on and go on all sorts of rabbit trails. I get the idea that it's a love story, but I don't see it anywhere for a long time. It's more a story of life than of love.

Then suddenly, through the course of the last few chapters (never just one), there is a big reveal. Suddenly even the mundane details of the first part of the book make so much more sense. All the characters, situations, moments of dialogue piece together a wonderfully complex love story. A story that would have no depth without the details.

A story that reminds me that love isn't a simple plot - boy meets girl, boy likes girl, conflict of some sort, boy marries girl. That simple plot is what I unfortunately was used to in love stories, so I must be forgiven for getting impatient with Austen. However, true love stories really are that drawn out. A love story that only involved 5 characters is not a true love story. The really good ones may involve hundreds of people - which is evident in discussions overheard at weddings. "I was there when they met" "I helped him plan the proposal" "I helped her get over her first heartache before she met him" etc.

Then I realized, that's exactly the reason I love the CBS TV show, "How I Met Your Mother." It has currently finished 4 seasons and hopefully has several more. The overall theme, as guessed from the title, is an older man in 2030 telling his kids how he met their mother. This is the narration over the modern day scenes of NYC as the main character, Ted, goes through all the necessary moments to get where he needs to be to meet the titular mother.

The beautifully realistic part is that this deeply complex love story between him and the mother of his children cannot simply be started when they met. It has to go way back to when he met a woman named Robin, through the ups and downs of his best friends' relationship, the new jobs of him and his friends, and even further back to college days. Some episodes don't appear to have anything to do with Ted at all, but somehow, each of these highly detailed episodes is piecing together a story.

And along the way, the pieces start fitting together. The audience realizes that every moment - the mundane, the scary, the painful, the happy - all are necessary to build the best love story ever told (at least to these kids).

A love story any simpler or less populated with characters would be a shame.

curls

It's amazing how adding a few curls in my hair changes the way I feel about myself.

I feel more womanly and soft, while also feeling like a total rock star.

You should try it.