different pov

There are things I think are right. I have thought long and hard about them and came to a firm belief about them. These decisions have a lot to do with life experiences, important values and my education. I stand by them.

But I live in a world that doesn't have those same thoughts. Perhaps they don't have the same experiences, values or education. Either way, they don't agree with me. They don't even have the same mindset as me. Their point of view isn't even on the same planet as mine.


And I respect them. They are great people. On several other issues that are near and dear to my heart, we are on the same accord. I like having these people in my life.

But it's hard. How do I sit in a room during discussions of these important views, letting them assume I'm with them? How do I let them think their way of thinking is 100% correct when there's obviously another way of thinking? And how do I do this knowing that they won't even get it if I tried? Knowing the discussion would be futile?

is it even worth the breath?
but how do I live with myself having convictions that something is right and not even give a hint of how I feel?

I just hate this feeling.

life

I'm morbid.
I just am.

Perhaps it was my brother's death 13 years ago, but I've always had a fascination for life and death and all things involved. I can't tell you how much thought I have put into my own funeral.

Today I went to another funeral. This one was for a stranger. I had never met her or seen her before. The most I knew of her was the obituary I read that morning. But she was the mother of one of my students, and our presence this morning meant a lot to that student.

And I was struck by this stranger. This woman who had lived life so abundantly. She was so full of life, even when struck with a tragic disease that eventually took her away. Even during the final stages of cancer, she exclaimed, "God has been so good to me!" The pictures during the opening slide show were full of smiles and laughter; adventure and fun. The words spoken of her were of her leadership, humility, service and grace. She was full of joy and loved to plan. She was an inspiration.

And my morbidity came to mind again, and I thought about how precious life was. But not in the typical "What if I die tomorrow?" sense, but the "What if I die at 46 from cancer?" sense... which is actually a bit different. If I die tomorrow, it's all about how I live today. But thinking about dying at 46 gives me a bigger picture of how I'm planning to live my life abundantly. Is my life an adventure?
Will my slideshow show me smiling, laughing and that I'm full of joy? Am I leaving a legacy for my children? Will I have a lifetime of leadership? As I'm growing, am I focusing on showing God's love through my joy?

John 10:10

2nd year

August 25, 2007
It was an exhilerating day. The entire day was such an adrenaline rush that it all seems like a blur. The only thing I remember clearly from that day is the overwhelming peace; I was born for this moment. It was the first day of my first year of teaching. Ever since then, even with all the ups and downs and broken hearts, shed tears and shaken fists, late nights and early mornings, meetings, conferences, failed students, failed lessons, legislation torture and reprimands, the entire first year was a privilege. At the core, I loved what I was doing and I was honored to do it. I had never felt such pride and excitement.

August 27, 2008
The day was long and drawn out. I was in a down mood all week. The week before, I had actually contemplated what it would be like to quit. I was wore out and wore down. The excitement and thrill of the first year wore off and the rose-colored glasses were no longer being worn. I was bitter and tired. While my mood has improved from the pre-school year training, I still don't have the same enthusiasm I used to. I don't have the same conviction that this was what I was born to do. I have started looking past the classroom to where my Master's degree could take me. My kids don't seem as sweet, as smart, as awesome. My days don't seem so meaningful, but more exhausting. I can never seem to stay ahead or even caught up. My lessons don't have the same flavor they once had.

I pray that God changes my heart and gives me the same peace I had last year. I was the same since of conviction and calling. I want the same desire and enthusiasm. I know I will never have the same amount of energy I had my first year - it was a rare thing. I will never have a first year again. But I do still want that love for teaching I once had. And as a disclaimer, I don't hate my job. I still enjoy it, but compared to last year, it's nowhere close. It's more exhausting and less rewarding than before and it's so disappointing. What a difference a year makes.

wait for it...

Oh geez - so much has happened. I apologize, but school really kicked in gear around the time of my last post and it has consumed my life ever since. Then my AC adapter went kaput for a couple weeks, and while I'm used to living without a home computer by now, it's never fun.

So let me just apologize for the delay. I promise I have much to say (rhyming unintented).
And I will get to it soon, but not tonight. If I haven't updated by week's end, email me and remind me of my word. Perhaps Friday, I'll want a break from cleaning the apt and I'll post some of the crazy thoughts that are constantly swirling in my head...

til then - stay classy, San Diego

Things I enjoy

I haven't given yall much by way of a post lately, so I thought I'd share some things I really enjoy:

1. American Idol Karaoke Revolution video game. I played on PS2 but I'm sure you can find it for other systems too.

2. Veronica Mars on DVD. I LOVE this show, no matter how many times I watch it.

3. Teaching. Being back in my classroom this week reminded me how much I missed it.

4. Being salaried. It is a really great feeling knowing that on weekends, summers, evenings, vacations etc. I am still getting paid like I do when I am at work.

5. My kitty. See earlier post for elaboration, but most recently, she went to the vet and they said she was very healthy. That's my girl!

6. Swimming. Unfortunately, there's a health concern regarding swimming in North Texas and I'm avoiding swimming. To make matters worse, they finally opened up the pool in my back yard and all day and night I hear people enjoying themselves in the pool...

7. Ice cream. Since I can't have swimming, I have to have something to cool me off. I can say more, but do I need to? Everybody loves ice cream.

8. Books. I wish I could read all day every day. Imagine how much smarter I'd be.

9. The Leadership Summit. Every year I regret not promoting this more because I sit and listen to these amazing speakers go right to my heart and soul and while my life is being changed I think of all the people in my life that would sooo love it. It happens every August all over the world.

10. Water. I can drink cold h20 24/7 and still want more. It tastes sooo good and satisfies and I know that sounds hokey, but there's a reason our body needs it. It's good stuff, ya'll :)

Ok I think I'll stop at ten. Nothing crazy new or exciting here, but I hope it serves as sort of an update.

disappointed

In my work with youth ministry and as a middle school teacher, I am often disappointed in the decisions some of my students choose to make. This seems pretty natural, as we are all fallen people and prone to make mistakes, myself included. It is also natural because adolescents are at a time where they are testing boundaries more than ever. They need to learn for themselves what right and wrong is, even if it means doing the wrong thing every now and then.

I actually understand, and even support that to a degree. What I really struggle with is how to handle those moments when I am disappointed. Do I keep it to myself and just get over it? Do I just say "Oh, those darn teenagers" and roll with the punches? Maybe if it's just a small thing like forgetting their homework or showing up late.

But what about when it's bigger than that - when I can't just shrug it off? What if it's life-altering? Do I speak up? Do I let the students know I don't condone their decision? How do I do that without losing the relationship I have established with them? If I voice my disapproval, they might write me off forever. If it were just my relationship, then fine. However, they might write off all future teachers or youth workers. Do I risk that?

What if it's a decision that can't be taken back? Now they have to live with the consequences of that decision. Is it appropriate to tell them I'm disappointed in them? Do they still need to know? How do I do that without making them feel more guilty?

If I am not speaking up, then am I unintentionally saying that their decision is ok? If I don't stand up against wrong, am I saying that it's right? Is that something I'm ok with doing? Don't they need to know their mistake so they don't repeat it?

How do I handle those moments, the inevitable ones where my students let me down? I can't lower my standards. I can't compromise my sense of right and wrong. I can't condone their behavior. But what can I do?

107

Yesterday, it was 107 degrees in beautiful Fort Worth.

Kate texts me in the middle of the day to tell me our heat is making national news.
Then she asks me, "Stayin cool?"

It literally made me laugh at loud, because yesterday, during possibly the hottest day of the year in North Texas, I was spending 11 hours at Six Flags with the youth.

I actually had a fun time, and drank plenty of water. I also applied lots of sunscreen and did not get burned at all (unlike Andrew who never listens to my suggestions).

So I survived!!

Oh, the things I do for youth, lol.

[sad ending - we planned on riding the Titan, my favorite ride, after dinner. Naturally, that's when they decided to close it for some reason. boooo]