BFF

I watched 27 Dresses the other night and I was struck by how jealous I was. The storyline is that the main character, Jane, is so selfless that she lives her whole life for other people and forgets to live her own. It is supposed to be this sad "feel sorry for her" kind of story as she has had to be a bridesmaid 27 times.

But I didn't feel sorry for her at all. I wanted to be her. There are 27 people that thought she was a good enough friend they wanted her in their weddings - the most important day in their lives. There are 27 people who honored her by choosing her to stand beside them. The way they painted this character is one that selflessly helped out in any way she can, going above and beyond.

I have been a bridesmaid once. Just once. Sure, I am a few years younger than her, and I will probably be in at least 3 more (2 sisters and another friend). But that's it. I suppose 4 is enough. I should be happy that there are at least 4 people in my life who want to bestow their highest honor on me. But I can't help but wonder why there haven't been more.

My friend Darcie has been in at least a dozen already, including my own. My husband has been in at least half a dozen. What is it about their personality, their friendships, their relationships that makes them more wedding party worthy than I am?


To me, this is more than a discussion about wearing a dress and standing on stage next to somebody. It's about friendships. Why is Darcie considered a better friend than I am? Is it because she is? Is she more sacrificial? Is she less self-involved? Is she less busy? Does she laugh at more jokes? Listen to more stories? Around more often? Why do more people consider her BFF worthy?

And more importantly, why do people consider me less BFF worthy? Is there something fundamentally wrong with the way I approach friendships? Sure, I have a couple BFFs - they were the ones standing next to me at my wedding. But do they have me? Would they choose me? Am I the one they go to when something good or bad happens in their lives? Do they tell me their secrets? Do they think about me randomly and wonder how my week is? Do they have pictures of me around? Do they cherish our memories? Do they make effort to contact me during the week just to chat? Am I on the list of people they'd call first when they get engaged, pregnant, a new job, etc? Am I #1 in their lives?

Perhaps I'm thinking too much about it and should be happy with the friendships that I have, and the level that they are. But a part of me wishes I could be a better friend; I could be a closer friend. Am I choosing wildly popular people who consider me a great friend, but have several great friends above me? Am I not allowing myself to get vulnerable with people, thus keeping them at a distance? Am I too downright selfish to be BFF material? Am I too needy and push people away?

Besides the one time I have been a bridesmaid, there was another time I was asked. I was thrilled. This would have been my first time as a bridesmaid, and I was honored that somebody chose me. But as a few months went by, apparently I wasn't a good enough friend and the bride told me I was no longer worthy to stand next to her at her wedding. I have never forgotten this moment. I was not good enough.

There have been other friends that I thought could have picked me, but they did not. I can't say I wasn't disappointed. I understand the decisions that go into a choice like this, that have less to do with friendship levels than one would think. But I can't help but look at other indicators of friendship, like phone calls, emails, visits, sharing secrets and being involved in their lives, and see that I am not their BFFs. Am I anybody's?

If there are only 2 people that jump up and say "Yes! Yes! You are mine!" should I be content with that? Or should I want 25 more to jump up and say "Mine too!!"? Is 27 a bit excessive anyway? I mean, after all, the term Best Friend Forever implies that there is only one. "This is THE best." Should I concentrate on the two that jump up? Should I make sure I am the best friend I possibly can be to them? Or should I figure out why there aren't tons more people willing to step up and say the same?

I am still teaching for a whole nother week. A freakin week.

The most ironic thing: my first day of summer is the actual first day of summer.
That is unreal.

and you have no idea how it kills me inside.

How to... Survive College

I dedicate this to my seniors graduating this week.

1. Make new friends.
You will always love your childhood/high school friends, but there's always room for more. Don't just stop with the first people you meet, but keep meeting friends everywhere you go. At your dorm, in your classes, at your job, your friends' friends, at bible study, at meetings, during intramurals. You cannot have too many friends, and you need to explore all the different types of personalities that are available to you at this unique stage of life.

2. But keep the old.
Keep in touch (more than just random facebook messages) with your old friends. They will hold you accountable to who you used to be, who you used to want to be, and who you can be. At this stage in your life, nobody knows you better. Whether you like everything about your past or not, you cannot complete divorce your present from your past because you will lose a part of yourself. See them when you come in town, write them letters, call them and talk for hours.

3. Explore your options.
Never again will experimentation with your life be so cheap. Take any class you can, join any club you want to. Don't be afraid to try new things. You will absolutely regret it later if you play it safe. Try out for the play. Take Philosophy of TV. Write an article for the newspaper. Volunteer to build a house. Sign up for the mission trip. Your life calling can be hidden and you can miss it sticking to what you know.

4. Start saving.
It is ridiculously easy to blow off money. I went through thousands of dollars with nothing to show for it except the pounds I gained from the midnight runs to McDonald's. You can build yourself a future by putting aside even a little of whatever money you get. While hundreds of trips to Walmart may seem like the only way to survive college (especially in a small town), remember everything will be there later when you actually need it.

5. Carpool
Besides the obvious advantage of saving gas money, you will bond like crazy in a car. Whether it's just to class, around town, to a neighboring town, or home for the holidays - sharing rides is the selfless, socially acceptable thing to do. Make sure you are not always the driver (or never for that matter). If you don't know of anybody going where you're going, just ask. This is one of the best ways to make new friends, and forever memories.

6. Share
I mean this in every way possible. Share food, shoes, videos, ideas, thoughts, opinions, friends, rides, resources, duties, emotions, laughs, memories, pictures, jeans, phone numbers, recipes, classes, books, life stories, etc. Besides the economic advantage of participating in a communal relationship with those around you, and the opportunities to try new things, it puts you in great social standing. Open up to those around you, so they can get to know you. You will never be able to communicate effectively if you do not have a basic understanding of who the other person is. But please keep in mind, there is such a thing as over-share. Don't be one of those people.

7. Take pictures
In this digital world, this really goes unsaid, but let this serve as a reminder of the importance of capturing memories. Don't depend on others to take the pictures; that doesn't always work. Get a small camera and take it wherever you go. Don't forget that you have it. Take pictures of random things, exciting things, boring things, everyday things, ugly things, beautiful things. Stick your head out your dorm window with your roommate and take that picture (still one of my favorites).

8. Play
Ride bikes, swing, play tag, night tag, capture the flag, intramural volleyball, kickball, etc. Not only does the physical activity release endorphins, which I describe to my sixth graders as "happy bubbles of fun", that fight off depression, anger and stress, but feeling like a kid again is absolutely imperative at the stage of your life when you are most resistant to adulthood. Let's not forget the social benefits of acting foolish with a group of people.

9. Find deals
Locate the dollar movie theatre and never go anywhere else (and bring in your own candy). Figure out if there's a Mocha Monday, Taco Tuesday, etc. Where can you use your student discount (ask EVERYwhere)? Split meals, drink water at restaurants, just go out for dessert instead of a whole meal. Clip coupons. Find the used book store, the goodwill store, the closest outlet. Be thrifty, be cheap, be resourceful.

10. Go to class
Let me state the overstated and obvious: you paid for it. The professor's most important lesson can be the one that you miss. You can guarantee he won't repeat it. There is no make-up policy, no alternative assignments, or "absence" folders. Just go. It's why you are at college - to learn. This is the greatest opportunity you are given - the opportunity to be educated. Take it all in, even the gen ed crap, because you will be a better human being. Take my word for it.

evaluated

They say not to let a formal assessment define us. After all, it's just one test, one evaluation, one person's opinion. It's not an accurate reflection of our true selves.

This is a very good thought, and I believe it to be true. I teach it to my students.

You see, this week, they get their state test scores back this week. This is a much bigger deal here than any other state I've ever heard. We told them not to let the test define them. We told them to just do the best they can and when they get their scores back to remind them it's not a big deal.

But it is a big deal, and in the state of Texas, it does define them. They are not allowed to pass on to the next level of schooling without passing these exams. They can move on within the school (6th to 7th), but then they have to give up their electives in order to "double-dip" in the subjects they failed (if they fail math, they take two classes of math next year).

So I am thinking about the students that failed and how we have to tell them. And the lie we will tell them about it not being a big deal. Telling a kid he can't be in band next year because he FAILED a test is not something I want to be a part of.

Suddenly the adage "can't let others' define us" seems foolish.

Meanwhile, I myself am preparing to be evaluated. One 45-min observation of me teaching my kids (in May, nonetheless) is somehow supposed to represent me as a teacher. And I am trying to not let it be a big deal - I know I'm a good teacher. I recently got awarded for being a great teacher, in my first year.

But when you tell me my certification depends on this one observation, I can't help but feel it is a biiiig deal. A big freakin deal.

And when the evaluator says if you don't have what she's looking for, she'll mark you down... it makes you freak out.

I am currently freaking out.

And I refuse to believe that this isn't a big deal. My heart won't let me believe that.
But then again, ask me again next week and I'll probably tell you "Oh, it's nothing. I can't be stressed out about one small thing..."

Oh, brother...

You don't have to get a Psychology degree to figure out that daughters are scarred for life when they lose their fathers. It has become common knowledge that women will seek out men who remind them of their fathers and they always have a need to fill the void their father left. John Mayer even wrote a song about it recently that explains the whole situation in case anybody was not aware.

But I'm learning recently that this phenomenon is not just about girls and their daddies. It can also be applied to brothers.

You see, over 12 years ago, I lost my brother. He was weeks shy of 18, and I had just turned 12. We had a typical sibling relationship - teasing, bullying, fights, etc. I can remember countless times of him sitting on me, telling on me, and yelling at me.

But I also remember him teaching me poker, baseball, algebra, good music, funny jokes, etc. I remember us sleeping in the same room on Christmas Eve and sharing gifts with each other in the morning. I remember going to his football games and him going to my softball games. We laughed at the same movies. And he always watched out for me.

When he died, he was a Senior in high school. He was really popular and had tons of friends. One of them even had lived with us for a period of time. And a month after my brother died, this friend of his took me trick-or-treating. That winter, another friend took me skiing and taught me how. Other friends of his would just randomly stop by to see how we were doing and hang out with me. I'd still go to all the football games, and eventually became the team manager. The guys on the team had such great respect for my brother that they had adopted me as their sister.

So now, instead of losing a brother, I had actually gained tons of them. Over the next few years, I saw this pattern emerge. Eventually, my brother's friends moved away and I had other guys fill the void. I became friends with my male neighbors and cousins, who relentlessly teased me but nonetheless supported me and watched out for me.

Growing up through high school and college, it seemed the pattern continued. I constantly had guy friends that I could laugh and fight with. I found myself giving them sisterly advice and taking brotherly advice. I expect them to always be there for me, because I cannot stand to have the void. Even today, there are certain guys I instantly connect with and in my head we are siblings.

I don't think the brother void is as scarring as the father void, but it is nonetheless a reality I discovered. It effects the way I relate to males, and always will. To me, it explains why I have collected a series of guy friends over the years that I would absolutely do anything for. It explains why I can't just have female friends, and why my male friends fill specific roles in my life.

And it explains why I grieved the way I did, because mostly, I just miss having a brother for life. Real brothers don't lose contact after they leave for college. Real brothers don't forget me when they get girlfriends or life gets busy. They can't. They are obligated by blood to love you forever. My replacement brothers are not. I constantly have to struggle to keep them, mourn their loss when I can't and then work so hard to find another one. It's psychologically exhausting.

This is my reality and discovering it has opened my eyes to see so much. It has enabled me to realize when I am being too clingy and when I am expecting too much. It has allowed me to see the void for what it is and not let it control my life. So here's to brothers and all they offer.

keeping my job

My job is very vulnerable this year. As a first year teacher, I am only given a temporary certificate. And under that certificate, I have to jump through a variety of hoops in order to be recommended for a full certificate.

I have jumped through most of those hoops already. I took 3 state exams, took 18 credit hours of graduate classes, turned in piles of paperwork and had numerous observations by supervisors, mentor teachers, and both principals.

But there is one thing left. One major thing. In Texas, it's referred to as the PDAS and basically it is the Year-End Evaluation. My Asst Principal comes in to observe me teaching for a total of 45 mins. There are 8 areas she's observing, and this evaluation goes in my permanent file. At this point, it is literally the only thing standing in my way of getting a full teaching certificate.

She came in for 20 minutes today to start the observation. She wasn't getting what she needed, so she said she will come for the remaining 25 minutes tomorrow... I am literally in the midst of being evaluated, which we already establish is imperative for my career.

So in the midst of being evaluated, I thought it might be a good thing to go out to dinner with her and another teacher. I could get some good quality-time in and maybe talk about my class project and make her laugh and in general suck-up. It wasn't planned. She and the other teacher saw my car still at school at 6:30 tonight and invited me. But I went, thinking it would be a good opportunity.

They arrive first and they are talking about her recent break-up with a guy. She is explaining the situation as the other teacher is trying to give her advice. They ask me for advice, and in my best Teresa voice say "Have you ever read the book, He's Just Not That Into You?"

And as soon as I said it, I knew it was a mistake. Especially after she leaned over to the other teacher and said something about my PDAS evaluation and laughed.

Yikes.

I was able to exlain to her the reason I recommended the book was because it was mostly about women not wasting their time on men that don't deserve them. And well a few jokes and stories later, I think I was able to recover. But oh man, did I put my job on the line tonight, lol.

heart

tonight, the music minister of our youth group said something that surprised me.
all this time, i thought his passion and heart was music ministry. he seems to love his position, and he's always using his gift of music in other venues. i honestly thought this was his true calling...
but he made a statement about all people being ok at some things, good at others, and great at a few. and he thought he was just ok at music, and he could abandon it in pursuit of his true calling, for something he's great at - apparently public speaking.

and i had no idea he even liked to speak publicly, except for the random speeches he gives in the middle of songs... i just thought it was because he's just one of those people who liked to hear himself speak... ha.

and he said, one day he'll submit to the calling of speaking, it's inevitable. and i just wondered what stopped him.

could it be he's not ready? could it be he's still too afraid? why isn't he pursuing that? why isn't he practicing?

so i'm sitting here thinking about my passion, what i long to do.
and it's not really what people would think it is, either.
people, even my closest friends and husband, would think it's teaching - whether that's publicly and professionally, or through youth ministry. and well that's mostly true. i would tell people my #1 calling is youth ministry, and #2 is teaching. but i just may be lying to myself.

because i'm good at those things. people accept me as good at those things. there's no longer fear for me in pursuing those things.


i want to write. with all that is within me, i want to write. i want to write so clearly and effectively that it means something to all who read it. i want to share my heart in such a way it changes others'.

there are so many stories inside me. so many thoughts. and i just can't seem to get them out.
i just can't seem to be happy with what i write.
do you know how many drafts i have on blogspot? on facebook? on xanga?

even with a private audience. and it's not the subject i'm ashamed of. but when i get passionate about something, i don't know how to write about it that makes sense. and i'm afraid of not being understood. so i just leave the draft there. never to be touched again. perhaps to be deleted later out of shame.

andrew asked me the other day to list two jobs i could have right now (we were asking each other random questions)... and there were several i could think of that i would want to have but never could (acting, radio DJ, dog walker). but i realized i could be a writer now if i wanted. not necessarily rolling in the dough, but if i truly tried, i could have some things published.

and yet, i'm sitting here on blogspot... wondering why i never have, wondering if i ever will...