connected

recently, ive been thinking about friends and friendships, specifically my own, and my history.

it could be because i dont really have close friends really here in ft. worth, and i'm losing touch with some of my closest friends...

but i was starting to question some things...

and i came to the following conclusions:
1. i do indeed have a good set of quality BFFs that go above and beyond the call of duty.
2. even moreso, i do have a plethora of good friends that even when going months without speaking to each other through any format, still really care about my life and are very interested in how i am doing. they still cherish any memories we have had, and will pray for me at the drop of a hat.
3. i should consider it a good thing that i even have several acquaintances, with the help of social networking sites have been able to keep in touch. sometimes this makes me feel bad, because i have hundreds of friends and yet go weeks without anybody leaving their mark on my sites... but i realize that these people still are interested in my life, even in the smallest bit. even the occasional page-view allows them to see what im doing with myself and keep updated. if they didnt care at all, they would never have added me. i say this, because i know its true about how i feel about them. i may not comment, but i do read the bulletins, look through pictures, read "about me" and smile knowing i'm able to keep in touch with somebody from my past...

and that renewed my general self-esteem as well as my self-efficacy. sometimes when im feeling lonely, i tend to cling to a few people in order to get validation... but knowing that people out there love me, even just the tiniest bit, is all i need to believe in myself. by believing in myself, im allowing myself to have healthier relationships with the friends i do have. its a nice cycle (when its working, cause when its not, it works backwards... not good).

thanks ya'll

growth

i've been reflecting a lot lately (when am i not?)
and i've noticed something about my peers.

they've either grown up a lot, just starting the process or not at all.

by the time you hit 24, it becomes glaringly obvious which state you are in.
and i dont mean to say that those who are in the "grown up" category are completely mature, or aren't constantly working on themselves... on the contrary, the reason people are in this group is because they are always aware of areas in their life that need improvement and work towards that. that's what makes a person mature in the first place.

and the category that you are in today has little to do with how mature you were in high school. i've noticed several of my peers who were considered mature in high school sort of stabilize there, and have not only made no positive changes since then, but actually several negative ones. in addition, ive seen several peers who i'd never hesitate to call immature in high school realize upon entering college or the real world that something has to change, and got their act together to become some of the most mature people i know.

and like always, there's a middle ground here. for you see, some people in the latter category may have made it to this point in life before realizing their need to grow and change, and are just now taking the necessary first steps to accomplish this maturity.

and like i said, its very easy to spot which category a person fits under at this age... especially once you realize their age. i recently informed somebody that i was the same age as another youth worker (who is somewhere in the middle of "not mature at all" and "starting to grow") and she did not believe me - she thought he was at least 3 years younger than his age, and that i was a few years older than my age.

i dont mean this to sound like an "im awesome and mature, and everyone should wish they were as adult as me" post, cause honestly thats not true at all... remember the part about us always growing, always trying to improve, seeing our flaws and working on them?.... yeah i definitely am there. "not that ive already obtained it...." you know the rest.

this is merely an observation. i was most intrigued by the fact that present maturity levels did not necessarily corresspond with high school levels...

thoughts?

::edit:: upon reflecting more, i wanted to clarify my definition of maturity. as a continuation of the "not already obtained it" thought, i don't think of maturity in the scientific sense, where a fully mature animal is completely grown. but in psychological sense, where i am in the right stage where i belong. think skinner, for instance. it's comparable to an IQ test, which is calculated by taking your intelligence age and dividing it by your real age...
because i would never presume to say that im completely adult, im fully mature. but if im acting like a 24 year old (or somewhere near that) as a 24 year old, then im doing pretty good.
which is why is perfectly possible for somebody to act like a 20 year old at 16 and be considered mature, but for that same person to not have grown at all and acts like a 20 year old at 24 and cause concern.

i would never expect my 12 year old students to act like my seniors. and id never expect my seniors to act like twentysomethings. and i hope nobody expects me as a twentysomething to act like a middle-aged adult.

grateful

Just for my own sake, because it's good to do this often...

Things I am currently grateful for (in no particular order):
1. good music
2. a good concealer
3. internet
4. cold water
5. Target
6. TV on DVD
7. change
8. Panera in Ft. Worth
9. my cell phone
10. youth ministry
11. my job
12. my sense of smell
13. toe nail polish
14. tax returns
15. grace
16. Nelly the Neon
17. Dano the Nano
18. kleenex
19. a steady paycheck
20. my education
21. my husband
22. sleep
23. nice weather
24. Facebook
25. Gmail
26. Faith
27. Spring Break
28. flip flops
29. sunglasses
30. forgiveness
31. cute bags/purses
32. my niece
33. St. Louis Cardinals
34. coupons
35. gift cards
36. college
37. Texas
38. my health
39. God's strength
40. rollover minutes
41. my church body
42. contacts
43. my Flex Benefits card
44. the campus clinic
45. holidays
46. puzzles
47. blankets
48. socks
49. space heaters
50. lotion
51. text messaging
52. a nice breeze
53. color coding
54. encouragement
55. organization
56. decorating
57. Old Navy
58. Albertsons
59. ice cream
60. bread
61. Scripture
62. Salvation
63. digital cameras
64. memories
65. awards
66. jewelry
67. St. Louis
68. my library
69. my stuffed animals
70. my complexion
71. sweatpants
72. blue jeans
73. frequent flier miles
74. my youth
75. past experiences
76. my professor
77. my coworkers
78. candy
79. steak
80. french fries
81. friends (in general)
82. Kate
83. Darcie
84. Shannon
85. Rachel
86. family (in general)
87. my parents
88. my sister
89. my seniors, and other youth
90. Myspace
91. Xanga
92. Blogspot
93. my boss
94. getting packages in the mail
95. people adopting us as family
96. growth
97. conviction
98. movies
99. RedBox $1 rentals
100. downtown Ft. Worth

Wow, that was a lot easier than I expected. I was only going to name like 10, but they just kept coming... try it, you'll see...

young

Since quitting my last job, I naturally have had new life restored to me... and with that, apparently the secret of youth as well.
Because at least a half a dozen times since then, I have actually been mistaken for a teenager.

The security people at the airport... a teenage boy who hit on me... another teacher who asked me where my hall pass was...

Today was just another story to add on:
I was a middle school math competition today and saw a fellow teacher friend of mine, who is the exact same age. I was talking to him when a couple of his students asked him if I was his daughter.
So now, instead of looking like a 24-year-old, I look like a 24-year-old's kid.

Crazy!! And I know that when I'm older, I'll love looking younger... but really, I've been married for almost 3 years now, and out of high school for almost 6 years, and am getting mistaken on a regular basis for a kid...
I'm thinking it's time to start auditioning for teenage roles in TV shows/movies.

stories and questions

Let me tell you a story of a (not at all) simpler time.
The year was 2001 and I was a senior in high school. My heart was broken that spring, and by fall, I was ready to move on to bigger, brighter things. A young man had entered my circle of friends, and we instantly bonded. Before I knew it, we were together all the time. We rode to school together every day. We spent all our free time together. I would go to his hockey games. He would come to my rehearsals and shows. We talked to each other every night, even though we would spend hours together during the day. We bonded over common likes and interests. He listened to stories of my heartache. I was there for him when his dog was run over. We laughed all the time. He would take me on dates, and I would dress up for him. We would spend evenings just laying in his bed, holding each other and sharing our lives with each other.
Our friends said we were dating, but we never called it that. I wouldn't even admit I liked him, even though it was true from day one. Admitting it could risk ending it, and I didn't want that. It was the best thing to happen to me in a long time, and I liked it just the way it was.

But one day as we were sharing our lives with each other, he told me about some friends trying to hook him up with this other girl, and how he was interested. He thought he might like her.

?? What ?? How is that possible? Aren't we "together"? I never cared about a title, cause I never felt threatened. But now suddenly, it felt like I had to take a stand for this relationship or it might be gone forever. I was faced head on with my feelings for him. But I was mostly shocked that clearly he didn't feel the same way. Was he just saying that to making me jealous? There's only one way to find out. I finally had to admit my feelings and get it out there.

So out it came. Everything. I painted the picture of our friendship and how we were practically dating, and how it broke my heart to hear his attraction for this other girl. How we were perfect together and how I didn't want to lose him. How I pretty much was in love with him, and wanted him desperately to feel the same way.

But he didn't. He didn't see it that way at all. He saw it as just a friendship. He said I was "like a sister" to him. Gross. I had never felt so rejected. So hurt. So confused. So lonely.

And our friendship ended. right then and there. I was hurt and looking at him hurt me more. He started dating her. And since she was also in our circle (although not a particular friend of mine), he brought her to the same places he used to go with me. I couldn't speak to him. I couldn't be near them. I would see him and literally turn and go the other direction. My heart ached.


But with time, the pain lessened. And then I went off to college and met Andrew that first day. Now, in face of my real true love, I couldn't stand to have bitterness for my past. I knew I couldn't move on to my future until I had closure on my past. I needed to seek forgiveness and get my heart ready for what was in store.
So I emailed him and told him how horrible I felt for dropping him out of my life for 8 months. How I missed his friendship and was a royal witch to him. I sought forgiveness and closure. healing.
and I got it. He not only forgave me, but admitted where he was at fault, and how it broke his heart to lose me and how he is sorry things turned out the way they did. He missed my friendship too. and so we became friends again.
we didn't cuddle or go on dates, but we shared our lives with each other. we kept in touch through all the years, and remained close. I got to tell him all about Andrew and our future. He would keep me posted on his girlfriend (the same one), and we had a happy ending.

Last year, he called me to tell me he was going to propose to said girlfriend, and I was genuinely happy for him that he was finally was going to get to marry his high school sweetheart. And I was honored that he called me beforehand. So I told him that I would be at his wedding, no matter what. But the invitation came the same week that our car broke down and I was in tears that my life plans were falling through because of finances and a plane ticket home for a wedding seemed out of the question. But I don't break promises, and so I forked out the money and bought the ticket. Then, I got two ear infections the week of the wedding and flying seemed out of the question. But, the doctor gave me permission to fly. So I boarded the plane and went to St. Louis, for less than 24 hours....

to see the man who broke my heart marry the girl he broke it for

but in the months ahead of time, with the financial woes and logical constraints of such a trip made me question the whole thing, and I ended up retelling this story to myself and others over and over. Cause, well, it makes a great story. You just read it - it's pretty fascinating. And I love telling stories. I love adding details for dramatic effect. But in telling it over and over again, it made me wonder if I am over it. I mean, I definitely moved on, and clearly we both made better choices. But is it ok that when I tell the story I still feel the initial pangs of heartache?
Is moving on forgetting that I was once hurt? is being "over it" equivalent to "never hurt"? Cause it's hard to deny that my heart was broken. And when I tell the story, I like to tell that part because it's moving. My heart isn't still broken, but I identify with my old self and it's like I feel it again. I remember how I felt, and I would never repeat it again, even for the sake of our current friendship. He was supposed to be what got me over my heartache, not caused more.

and is it okay that I purposefully looked the best I could when I went to their wedding? Is it okay that I still wondered what he saw in her that he didn't see in me? am i supposed to stop asking those questions at some point? is it okay that i still wonder about the "what if"? I mean, I wouldn't want it to interfere with my marriage in any way, but if I could alter the past without effecting the ultimate outcome, is it okay to want that? or is that an impossible question to even ask?

improving

things i have been working on recently:

1. being a better teacher - there are things i excel at when it comes to teaching; i have a natural gift for those things, i suppose. but the rest i'm really bad at - and i need to get better. my students deserve more from me. every week in class, i am faced with yet another thing i am depriving my students of...

2. getting to bed at a decent hour - i used to try to go to bed between 10 and 11, and now im lucky if it's before midnight. but my mornings are getting earlier and earlier, and the sleep deprivation is literally making me sick.

3. guitar hero - i did well in easy and medium, but keep failing songs in hard, and i just cant get past it. i know if i practice more, i can get it... but often times i quit things im not good at because well i really like being good at everything i do, lol

4. being nicer to those i love - i was watching friends earlier today and saw one character totally mock another and make light of something that the other was really sensitive about - and i realize it may make good tv, but they never show you how much that hurts the other person.

5. not meddling - i like to be right, i like to be in control, i like to be involved. one day, i want someone to stand up at their wedding and say "Thanks Teresa for getting us together." and thats totally selfish and stupid and i have to just be happy there even is a wedding... or a relationship, for that matter.

6. my attitude - when things suck, i think everyone should know so they feel sorry for me. its very immature. and it totally ruins my witness to the fact that God is good, and He is in control. I should not forget that - or let others.

7. my use of time - i'm crazy busy - too much so. i have no free time anymore. today is kind of a fluke (one i'm taking full advantage of). and i cant blame life. i can only blame my own time-management skills. i need to be doing more of some things and less of other things.

8. my spiritual walk - it's decent. much better than this time last year, but I know I can be better, stronger, wiser. i do not give God the time in my life He deserves. I breeze through my quiet times like it's something to check off my list. I only pray for my sake.

9. my money management - this is an understatement. yes, andrew and i miraculously are paying off grad school for both of us as we go, but i still think we should be in better financial shape than we currently are. we need to be more disciplined.

10. my cheerleading abilities - yeah, i am now officially the cheerleading sponsor at my school. ha, i think it's a joke too (apparently so do some of my students)... so i really need to figure out what im doing and quick. yikes.

I don't want to continue to talk about this negative time in my life, because it gets old. But I just wanted you to know that I will not be defeated. I will not act defeated.
I have hope and a future... and I will not let life circumstances hold me back any longer.