contrite

every now and then i let life really get to me.
even though i know better and a good night's sleep is often the best cure, i let it happen.


and i dont quite know why.


earlier tonight i felt tears coming on, and i didnt even bother stopping them (like i normally adamently try to do)... i guess b/c i wanted to feel something. i wanted to acknowledge the power of the tears. eventually, i did cry - and you know how it is with tears, they dont stop. and you cant easily recover from it; your face reflects it no matter how hard you fake the smile. i just wondered to myself why i didnt stop the tears.


thats the manifestation of my emotional state right now. i know later ill regret letting my emotions out like this, but gosh darn it, i dont want to hold it in anymore. it's a lie to myself and others. i want to tell you how i feel. even though, in the morning, or whenever my heart heals, i'll look back at this post and just roll my eyes at how near-sighted and negative it all is.

but yeah, im angry, confused, disappointed, upset, saddened, annoyed and hopeless.

i dont get it. i dont understand. why? i dont need the ultimate why... just a small glimpse to hold me over. just something to make sense of it all. i dont need the big picture (although it would be nice), just an example of what i'm supposed to look for... an indication other than my faith that things truly are better this way.


and im humbled. and not in the "wow, people think im great. and its all God" way that is actually a good thing. im humbled by realizing that ::gasp:: maybe people DON'T think i'm great. maybe people don't need me as much as i thought. that i may have made mistakes, i may have been wrong.
and that's the most confusing part.


i dont have a problem that needs to be solved. i dont even have a specific grievance to bear. i just have a broken heart, a contrite spirit and a perplexed mind.


so what im saying is pray for me.
im having a pretty crappy life right now.


i suppose i shouldnt be too surprised by it, since this happens just about every January, for multiple reasons... i just wish i had the money to get some endorphins in the form of a fake bake.
but is that really the solution for my problems?? or is it my faith that i need to work on...

stirred, not shaken

im not going to try to figure out who caused it, cause i wont presume to blame God for something Satan did, or even give Satan credit for something God did on purpose...

but i had a plan. an idea. a faith in something happening.
a resolution, for crying out loud.

i want to move out. sooo bad. in our apt today, we actually had a mouse crawling around in our pantry, up where we keep the food. and then later, we found a texas-sized cockroach crawling on top of our kitchen table. yeah, ok i dont have to paint much more of a picture of why i want to move out of this shoebox (im seriously tempted to compare the measurements to my classroom, cause i honestly think my classroom is bigger).

so yeah, thats the plan. move out. we even had days set aside to visit some of the complexes we saw online. and im thinking "finally, we're able to accomplish this financial goal ive had forever"
and then andrew's car goes kaput. stops working. estimated cost about the same as the car itself. the old piece of junk car.

and my perfect plan now has a huge kink in it. and the first thought of andrews mouth is that we really cant afford an apt now. we have to postpone the dream ive postponed for too long.

at first, i started to believe it. and well it very well could be true. i dont know.

but this is what i do know - that God will not let us down. That God will provide. how? i dont know. i doubt it'll be in the way we expect. a new car would be nice. a generous mechanic is acceptable. a better paying job for andrew w/the same flexibility would be great. i'll even take a better exterminator/attitude. some random huge checks in the mail sound good too. or even something i cant possibly dream up myself.
but its not my job to say how. its just my job to say Yes. Yes, Lord, I believe in your miracles. I've seen too many to start doubting now.

like i said, i dont know if it's Satan trying to rock my faith in God by taking away what's most precious to me, or if it's God trying to teach me a lesson in faith/patience/humility, etc. but either way, I won't give up believing God is in control.

in the meantime, I invite you to witness my miracles. the journey is not over, and im not giving up. the stories you give me to tell are worth all the suffering.

Won't Let Satan Blow It Out (This Little Light of Mine)

Well I hope you read the verses on my previous post, because they are what I will be referring to tonight. Last week in Sunday School, we discussed those verses and then later in the week, when I was struggling, they came to mind. The following is what I wrote up in response to what was going on in my mind:

It's weird to write these things down. Because writing them down makes it permanent. It at least makes it real. And the last thing I want to do is make the crazy thoughts in my head real.
I know they're crazy, cause well, they're not "right". By any standard. The fact that I even know that means that I myself am not crazy.
And since I am not a crazy person but am having crazy thoughts, something else must be putting them in my head.
I know exactly what that something is. Eph 6:12 tells me that it is darkness. I am letting darkness in.
Acknowledging that, however, actually just complicates things. Because now it has to up its game, so it plays the reverse psychology game and flips things around.
First it tries to convince me I am crazy. That there's actually something wrong with me. That I'm disturbed, messed-up and overall - unrighteous. The fact the thought even came to my mind means I'm a defect of God and not wanted in this Kingdom.
And if that weren't enough, the darkness then plays the legalism card. Because obviously I'm a good Christian who didn't cave when it came to doubting my faith, the legalism card is actually very clever to use (nobody said the darkness was stupid). Any "good Christian" knows to cut off your hand if it causes you to sin and to poke out your eyes.

I mean, sin is a big deal (I'm not being facetious here). And I honestly think sometimes Satan uses that very fact to keep us from doing good. He makes us throw out the baby with the bathwater.
Because that hand of mine that caused myself to sin is the same hand that serves God. And there's nothing Satan wants more than to cut off the hands and feet of God's workers.

So what happens is that we go along, serving the Lord and somewhere along the lines, Satan takes something good and turns it bad. First, he hopes we'll ignore it. Then, once we discover it, he makes us feel guilty. When that doesn't work, he convinces us to stop trying altogether, in fear of "screwing up" again. All along, Satan's the one that messed us up.
Like in the Lion King, when Scar killed Mufasa, but made Simba feel guilty for it and Simba ran away, leaving his Kingdom in the hands of Scar. Yikes.

So those were the thoughts I wrote down last week. And I think they are very relevant when we are struggling. We need to remember that the fight isn't against ourselves; we are not the enemy. The fight is against Satan. Let's arm ourselves with the belt of truth - and not let Satan's lies fool us. Let's wear the helmet of Salvation and always remember we are redeemed. The breastplate of righteousness so we never believe we are defects of God. Let us carry the Sword of the Spirit, so we can fight back with Scripture that promises us we will always be loved, always be accepted, always be sanctified. We are not screw-ups.
No longer will I let Satan's schemes keep me from serving God.

Armor

So I dropped the ball on the whole every day thing. and well quite honestly, I don't have time to do a full post right now, so I thought I'd just give the verses for now:

The Armor of God
Ephesians 6:10-18

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

In other news, I have decided this week to online journal every day about Scripture that I come across...
I really think my blog could use some actual deep thoughts instead of useless rambling (my life could use that as well)...

So to get the week started, let me share something I read last night during my quiet time.

Colossians 3:22-24
Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to win their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.
I am often blown away with the astounding power simple, straightforward verses like this can have on my life. They just seem so "duh!" but yet, somehow I make them complicated.

So here we have this verse that as good Christians, we already "understand" this truth. But really how many of us live this out in our lives? How many actually believe they are working for the Lord and not for men?

And let me just say I am a big fan of the use of "slaves" and "earthly masters". Because not only was he talking to literal slaves, but it applies to us today, and all the people in our lives that we serve.

I really want to expound on this verse even more, but every word I say is merely taking away from the meaning of the passage. So for this first entry, despite my desire to sound brilliant by writing my own interpretation and application of this verse, I am just going to let it speak for itself. And hopefully you'll recognize the truth in this, and let it be a part of your life tomorrow.

...

Sign of a good job:

I can't wait for tomorrow. My break was too long.

I miss my kids.